I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
