You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
tell me about the eggs
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