I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
