remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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