Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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