i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
