I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
