i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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