Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
