im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
