I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
