he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you win again, gameday.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
