there's paper in my vomit.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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