I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
