Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
