I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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