I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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