I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
