it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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