Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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Randomize
