well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
