i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
