the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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