take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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