Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize