ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
