Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
