When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
