I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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