But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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