Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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