I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
