HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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