Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
