Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
