Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
