so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
