a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i love accidental penises.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
