Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
