Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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