I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
