i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I feel like death gave me a hand job
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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