how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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