There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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