What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
