I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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