Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
