why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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