also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
