the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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