The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
