I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im holly from the hills drunk
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
