I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
