im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
do nipples grow back?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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